2025 reflective (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ
this is now my second of year of me taking the time to reflect on the year passed and if i were to describe my 2025, i would say it has been a year of self-discovery.
a massive takeaway for me this year is that i am, in fact, living in an answered prayer. it took me a while to realise it and, i have to admit, this feeling still comes and goes. there have been countless times where i was brought out of my comfort zone. while many of these scenarios ended successfully, there were still times where i wished i was someone more 'ready' for certain situations, but unfortunately wasn't. during these moments, doubt filled my heart, but one thing about God is that He would never put me in a situation He knew i couldn't handle. He knows my absolute limits. these bouts of doubt had me overlook so many blessings in my life.
a conversation i had with two of my friends in october, about what our dream lives would look like, made me pause. actually, i am living my dream life!!! past me could only dream of the blessings, love, and guidance that surrounds me now.
reading back on my 2024, i can see how excited i was for the upcoming year. if i thought that this year was gonna be my year of figuring myself out then boy i was wrong. in fact, i am still figuring myself out (and it's actually really exciting). will this feeling last forever? i don't know. but that's okay. i guess i must accept that there will always be more of myself to discover. i am ever-changing and i am amalgamation of everything i have ever experienced.
something that i wanted to focus on this year was the abilty to take fragments of the world around me and use them to create a language only i can speak. i wanted to become more intentional with what i was noticing around me and i wanted to build my own identity through that. i wanted to focus less and less on what the world around me thought and just pursue things for the sake of trying them out.
- solving a rubik's cube (kinda)
- hot yoga
- prayer journalling
- skating
- reformer pilates
- going to scotland
- therapy
- seeing greece
- eating at a sit-down restaurant by myself
- cinema membership and watching all the films i want to see :)
- playing around with touchdesigner
- going on a hike with my best friends
- PASSING MY DRIVER'S TEST - I CAN DRIVE NOW WOOOHOOO
- etc etc.
making sure to surround myself in what has and continues to bring me confort is also super important. for me this includes a type of day i like to call a kayla day: taking the time to focus on skincare and makeup and what i'm wearing before heading to the city where i'll eat a yummy savoury breakfast, go to a bookstore to browse (and maybe impulse buy a book), visit a museum or art gallery, drink a yummy drink at a cafe and read a bit or journal, window shop at a couple clothing stores, find a bench that overlooks a pretty body of water, all before making my way home. if i have a bit more time i would also see a movie. what i love about a kayla day is that i can pretty much do this in any city!!! amazing amazing. it's so awesome because while i have to wak eup early for a day like this, i always come home feeling so rejuvenated and ready for the next day. ahh just the thought of me doing this brings me so much joy ₍₍⚞(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)⚟⁾⁾
something i have felt an abundance of this year is love. i am so blessed to see it all around me, and i am constanlty reminded of that fact. whenever i have gone through periods of instability or doubt, i've known i could always lean on basically everyone around me. it feels almost overwhelming, in the best way, to be surrounded by so many kind, and generous people who hold me up without even realising it. i've started to see love as one of the clearest reflections of God's presence in my life. every person who has conforted me and every moment that has reminded me of joy, feels like a small reminder that i am cared for. i've also learnt to recognise love in the ways i show up for myself. the quiet patientce i give myself on bad days and the little routines that keep me grounded. i am definitely living in an answered prayer.
films i watched this year that have lingered in my heart
- frances ha - noah baumbach - 2012
we couldn't become adults - yoshihiro mori - 2021
cinema paradiso - giuseppe tornatore - 1988
the holdovers - alexander payne - 2023
watching frances ha as a fresh graduate was like seeing a mirror held up to my own uncertain, and messy life. baumbach’s direction along with greta gerwig’s authentic performance, captured the liminal space of your 20s in which you are no longer tethered to the structures of education but not yet anchored to the stability of adulthood. how can someone be so paradoxically self-assured yet so utterly lost? i resonated with frances’ struggles on a visceral level-chasing a dream that feels just out of reach, navigating friendships that evolve in disorienting ways, and grappling with the fear of being left behind. her awkward optimism and refusal to ever give up felt like a warm hug wrapped in a reminder that its okay to not have it all figured out. life is seldom a linear journey!! a beautiful companion for anyone feeling lost
kinda related to a 46 year old man as a 23 year old… we couldn’t become adults is a hauntingly beautiful meditation on time, memory, and the people who shape us-whether they stay in our lives or drift away. watching this film through the lens of someone who feels a deep, almost painful nostalgia for every connection i’ve ever had was an emotional and cathartic experience. it follows saito, a man in his 40s, as he reflects on his past and the dreams he let slip away. one of my favourite cinematic moments was the shift in aspect ratio as the film transitioned into saito’s memories with kaori, or the ‘one that got away’. reflective of how memories can trap us within their boundaries, the limited frame emphasizes how saito and kaori’s time together exists in his mind as an artifact of the past. here, mori visualises the deep emotional truth of nostalgia in which they are memories that are both precious and constraining. how they can transport us to a world where we felt most alive, while also trapping us there. the film’s exploration of ordinariness resonated with me due to its reflection on the universal truth that most of us will not lead lives of fame or exceptional achievement. why fear a life of 'ordinary' when even the simplest of lives are filled with moments of connection, love, and beauty?
such a beautiful beautiful beautiful film: the perfect homage to cinema. watched this one with carlos and it left me with a heart full of nostalgia and a renewed appreciation for the stories that shape our lives. cinema paradiso centers around the wholesome relationship between a young toto and alfredo, the projectionist of a small sicilian town who becomes his mentor and surrogate father. tornatore delicately crafts a heartwarming narrative blending the bittersweet charm of childhood with the reflective wisdom of adulthood. the film's score was the cherry on top, enhancing the film’s emotional depth and wrapping each moment in a safe cocoon of sentimentality.
the holdovers is a deeply touching exploration of loneliness, connection, and the surprising places we find belonging. watching it as someone who felt isolated during the early months of my final year made it all the more impactful. set during the winter break, the film captures the unlikely bond between paul hunman, an irritable teacher, and angus, a troubled student left behind at their boarding school. the initial friction that ensues between the two slowly gives way to understanding, as they discover shared vulnerabilities and begin to fill the voids in each other’s lives. my biggest takeaway from this film was how it portrayed loneliness not as a tragic flaw, but as a deeply human experience. there’s always a possibility of connection even in our loneliest moments
this year marked the second year into my reading journey since high school. i read 5 books this year!! here are my top 3 :)
- breast and eggs - mieko kawakami - ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
all the lovers in the night - mieko kawakami - ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
what you are looking for is in the library - michiko aoyama - ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
as a woman this is definitely a required read. this book, divided into two parts, follows the story of natsuko, female bodily autonomy in japan, and the concept of ‘woman’. the theme of fear and loss is so prevalent in this book, proving relevant to the female experience. the first part, breasts, dives into women’s society-given duty to be sexually appealing and the struggle to maintain the illusion of constant adhesion to social standards as we age (fear of ageing and loss of youthfulness). the second section, eggs, looks into the relationship between the sexual societal responsibilities given to women and the enduring biological responsibility for women to have babies. this book covers a range of feminine experiences that are side effects of misogyny and poverty on the female body and spirit (fear of losing control of one’s own life). something i absolutely adore about kawakami’s writing is her ability to talk about the smallest observations so intimately. side note: as someone who used to read haruki murakami, it is interesting to see how much he advocates for kawakami’s works, considering his own treatment of his female characters, existing solely to fulfill a sexual function.
reading this was like reading my own diary. delving into themes of depression and deep loneliness-it was as if kawakami had her own little place in my mind and this story was built on the ecosystem of my thoughts and feelings, beautifully rendering all feelings of anxiety and loneliness with so much clarity. the book plays through the eyes of fuyuko irie, a proofreader living a solitary and regimented existence. i started this book during the first couple months of my final year of uni when most of my closest friends had already graduated. i felt very alone during these months and any form of media that mirrored this feeling would give me a temporary boost. the novel is also a deeply feminist exploration of the particular ways women experience loneliness and fuyuko’s isolation was partly shaped by societal expectations to conform, and remain cheerful. the recurring motif of light throughout the book was so wonderful and charming and is proof that we really are everyone we’ve ever met (a reference to another character in the book). the protagonist’s fascination with the changing light of the seasons and her growing awareness of the beauty around her symbolised her steps toward self-discovery and connection. this book was so so devastating and hard to read at points due to how much i related to the protagonist's emotional difficulties, even writing this paragraph makes me want to cry.
this book was like a warm hug. it follows 5 completely different characters as they enter their local library, meet the librarian, komachi, and come out with books that inspire them. one of my biggest problems in life was feeling like there was so much i wanted to do and achieve with such little time to do them all. my biggest fear of mine is the thought of settling in life, knowing there’s still much i want to learn. one lesson this book taught me was the concept of ‘parallel careers’ in which you have a job that can support you financially and another that keeps you happy. the ultimate idea is that none of the careers sits secondary to the other and that each career takes up an equal amount of space in your heart.
charm - clairo - 2024
fav songs: nomad, second nature, PIER 4!!!
atp - nsqk - 2024
fav songs: tarde o temprano, blamegame, aún te pienso
april's nectar - unflirt - 2023
fav songs: white noise, just pretend
dunya - mustafa - 2024
fav songs: hope is a knife, leaving toronto, i’ll go anywhere
chasing moving trains - roy blair - 2024
fav songs: karaoke, hummingbird, GARDEN!!!
this is how tomorrow moves - beabadoobee - 2024
fav songs: one time, tie my shoes, girl song ever seen, post
jonah yano & the heavy loop - jonah yano - 2024
fav songs: no petty magic, snowpath
supernova - ralphie choo - 2023
fav songs: total90nostalgia, gata, máquina culona
salsa valentina - rojuu - 2023
fav songs: dumbdvd erasmus, pequena bestie
reflecting on all the things that brought me joy in 2024 has been such a fun experience, as it's allowed me to see how much growth, happiness, and discover i've encountered this year. from the books that transported me to new worlds, to the films and albums that served as the perfect soundtrack to my journey, each of these moments has played a role in making this year unforgettable. as i step into 2025, i carry with me the lessons, memories, and pure joy that these pasisons have given me, and i can't wait to see what new things i'll embrace next!! looking ahead, there are even more experiences i want to explore and goals i want to pursue, and i'm excited to dive into this next chapter of this adventure :))
- solo dates
- being my most creative self
- writing essays on random interests of mine: one of the things i miss most since graduating
- read at least 5 books
- get my license
- invest in therapy